Stoney Creek Inn

8238 Ft. Smallwood Road
Baltimore, Md. 21226

http://www.stoneycreekinnrestaurant.com/

Visited: March 8, 2009
** ZERO STARS **

In case you're busy and don't want to read this long rant, I can instantly let you know my thoughts about this place by saying, "You can't always believe what's on television."

What do I mean with this line? Well let me take you on a trip back in time where my lovely wife and I were watching one of our favorite foodie TV shows on the Food Network; Diners Drive-ins and Dives with host Guy Fieri. The very charismatic Guy Fieri visited Stoney Creek Inn and really made us believe that the food was amazing. After seeing this episode and finding out that this "gem" was in our backyard...okay, not literally our backyard but a mere 45 minute drive up north to Baltimore, MD.

From the start of the feature to the end, our mouths were watering as Guy Fieri dined on the most delicious looking crab cakes which appeared to be hey-uuuuuuuuge. Guy engaged the patron in witty banter as he sipped on beers and stuffed his face with fresh crabs, succulent shrimp and all around deliciously decadent seafood cooked to order. You'd think Guy found seafood heaven which made my wife and I giddy as little children as we repeated to each other over and over, "It's in Baltimore! We MUST visit it!!" Oh Guy you silver tongued devil, you had convinced us with your sweet pictures of beautiful seafood dishes and those crab cakes, dear God I'd travel a thousand miles for just a taste of those beautiful looking crab cakes.

So imagine the sheer delight of packing up our twin baby boys, the wife and piling them all into the minivan just to drive to the Stoney Creek Inn. The day was beautiful with the weather sunny, not a cloud in the sky with temperatures in the uppers 70's...as if God was smiling down upon us saying, "Yes my children, enjoy the bounty that I have given on to you my foodies." The minivan hummed and just the idea of those crab cakes kept me going as we left 495 and made our way to i-95 north towards Baltimore. The twins baby boys sat in their car seats, strapped in tightly and safe in their seats watching one of many Baby Einstein DVDs. By the time we were nearing Stoney Creek Inn, I had restarted the same Baby Einstein DVD 6 times and could hum the music from memory.

The minivan's nav-system guided us to a very industrial part of Baltimore and then proudly echoed, "You have arrived at your destination." Umm...no we haven't. The only thing around us was some old industrial loading docks and a BP gas station in the middle of no where. In the distance we saw a bridge and what appeared to be water. Desperate to reach our location, we pulled into the gas station and asked for directions. The kind woman behind the gas station counter seemed be a veteran of the question, "Can you please tell me where Stoney Creek Inn is located?" Thankfully before my sentence ended, she pointed towards the road with a smile that showed off some missing teeth and said, "It's down two lights before the bridge".

Jumping back into the minivan I shared the news with the wife happily proclaiming, "We're almost there!". 5 minutes later we saw the front of the building and eagerly parked and unloaded the boys and all related baby gear. Walking into the restaurant with giddy (almost mongoloid like smile on my face) faces, we asked for a table and encountered our first surprise.

"Did you call ahead and make a reservation?" asked a portly woman that appeared to be the manager as she shuffled staff to different areas of the restaurant.

"Do most people make reservations?" I asked a bit scared that no table would be avaible.

"Yes, it's highly recommended." she responded with a serious look on her face. Now I must tell you that the dining room and the areas in plain sight appeared to be empty. The portly lady saw us to a large table strategically located right next to the rest room. Hmmm...not the best seat, but the food must be worth such shitty seating. Our waiter stopped by to greet us and talked with a stuffy nose but seemed to be in good spirits. He brought me a beer and my wife enjoyed a coke. Diving into the menu, we decided to share a platter that had a bunch of fried goodies; french fries, sweet potato fries, fried cod, fried shrimp, fried oysters and those divine crab cakes. For the boys, we ordered child orders of crab cakes, a side of broccoli and apple sauce.

As we waited for our food to arrive the wife asked me if I smelled pee. "Nope, my nose is a bit stuffed up and all smell is Old Bay seasoning." Still upbeat and looking forward to try out the food, the wife decided to take a look at the restaurant to see the same sights enjoyed by Guy Fieri on his show. If you've ever seen the show, the restaurant is made to look like a very clean and up beat restaurant at the edge of some beautiful marina. Yeah, definitely NOT the case. Walking around the restaurant and reporting back my wife had a look on her face that instantly told me, "Ugh".

"The place is horrible and has no view" were the first words out of her mouth, "and the restaurant is empty, why did the lady ask us if we had reservations?!" Good point made by the wife, why had we been hassled about not having a reservation if the restaurant was empty? If you're trying to embrace new customers in a location that's not in the most easily accessible areas....why not make a customer feel more welcome? Quietly I still held onto some hope that I would experience some of the magic that Guy had experienced. The crab cakes, it's all about the crab cakes....

Finally, the food arrived and we dove into our plate. My wife and I had split the order and were told that it would cost us an additional $2 to split a plate. I took a taste of the fried code and was instantly surprised at the amount of heavy batter encasing the fish. Of the thumb sized fish piece I bit into, 75% was hard batter with just a taste of fish. Okay, still at this point I tried to remain positive. Let's taste the shrimp...same thing, small shrimp surrounded in hard overly spiced batter that didn't task like fresh shrimp. Still trying to stay positive I attacked the fried oysters...same damn batter. The dream was just about to begin fading when I told myself to dive into the crab cake.

Wielding my fork like a powerful sword, I plunged it deeply into the heart of my crab cake and pulled out a good sized chunk. Stuffing said chunk into my mouth I imagined myself to be Guy Fieri eating the fresh crab cake that the Stoney Creek Inn owner personally made for our favorite host (also the spokes person for TGI-Fridays). Did I taste paradise? Did images of nirvana flood my psyche due to the divine flavors of my crab cake?

No.

The only thing that ran through my mind was the phrase (made famous by my buddy Wagner during our trip to Spain back in 2003): "Oh, I have the buyers remorse". BTW, the origin of this phrase came from a Simpsons episode where Homer Simpson aquires the last Krusty Ribwich sandwich and is then instantly surrounded by a mob made up of other Ribwich lovers. All these people are making Homer addict like offers for the last ribwich sandwich. Homer finally accepts a car from a stereotypical Indian guy in exchange for Homer's last ribwich. After taking one bite of the ribwich, the guys says in a very depressed Indian accent "Oh, I have dee buyer's remorse".

Yes, I had the buyers remorse and instantly felt let down. Not awaiting my thoughts but clearing thinking the same exact thing, my wife was not pleased with anything on her plate. From the over cooked over battered super-crusted oyster, shrimp and fish...the look on her face said it all. Not worth the money and not worth the drive. For this reason I wrote what I wrote at the beginning of this blog entry.

Suddenly my eagerness and child like enthusiasm was replaced by a feeling of being cheated and misled by Guy Fieri. How could you Guy? I thought we were boys man! How could you make us foodies believe that this place was sooooo good? How could you make us think that the people working at this restaurant would welcome us with open arms when they hassled us about not having reservations in a virtually empty restaurant? How could you make us drive all the way to Baltimore with children and wife in tow when the food is not worth a 2 minute walk? I'd rather walk 5 mintes to the local safeway for imitation crab meat or even FROZEN crab cakes instead of driving all the way to this armpit of a restaurant.

I felt bad for my wife and felt bad for my boys as I had dragged them with me on this adventure hoping to experience at least a dash of the hyped up goodness seen on Diners Drive-ins and Dives. Sitting and stewing in utter disappointment, the wife and I just wanted to leave as fast as we could. Thankfully the boys were in good spirits and really had no idea of the shattered dreams and broken hopes their Fat Daddy was feeling....Guy, what the frak dude? You let me down big time. To make things worse the wife saw our waiter blowing his nose with a napkin, not washing his hands and then taking awaiting dishes to the three hungry patrons unaware of the snotty hands serving them. Yuck....

In order to salvage the day we headed to downtown Baltimore for a well deserved sweet treat courtesy of Vaccaro's Pastry Shop. Our family of four drown it's disappointed and lifted our spirits with the help of gelato, italian cookies and milk for the baby boys. It's funny how sweets can make all the bad stuff go away....

For anyone reading this that saw that episode of Diner's Drive-ins and Dives that convinced us to visit Stoney Creek Inn; save your money, save yourself a trip and do NOT go to Stoney Creek Inn. Not even a personal apology from Guy Fieri would make me go back to that hell hole of a seafood place...I'd rather slum it up and eat at big chain Red Lobster. At least Red Lobster doesn't sit its patrons next to a pee smelling restroom.